Light at the end of the tunnel

You will be scanning forums and grief websites desperately searching for the answer, searching for how to deal with the pain, searching for how you are supposed to grieve, what is normal? What's not normal? What is the timeline? When will it stop hurting? I know exactly what you are looking for, you are looking for someone to tell you that "It will get better" You are searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. ​

I have searched for hours, days, months for the "answer" but the truth is, there is no answer.

There is no magical cure that's going to save you, no powerful words that will heal you and no stages of grief that you can follow step-by-step to come out at the end - you just have to sit, and wait, and cry.

You have to want to die. You have to be angry. You have to throw things and you have to lock yourself away in your room and beg for a time machine.

You have to smell your child’s clothes until the smell is gone, you have to get mad at your family for not understanding and then do a complete flip and be so grateful for your family because they're trying to understand.

You have to drink too much, then realise your drinking too much, you have to hate the world and be mad at others because this didn't happen to them and then feel guilty for it, in fact you have to feel guilty for anything and everything.

You have to do whatever you need to do to keep going.

How can you possibly live without your child? How can you face the day knowing that you're never going to see their little face again? Never going to hold them, or kiss them, or teach them new things...I don't know... I honestly have no fucking idea. But I’m doing it.

Nearly four months on, I get up each day, I drop my daughter at school, I talk to the school mums, I go and get a coffee, I see friends, I laugh - Things i never, EVER, thought I would be doing.

Numbness will be your best friend and your worst enemy. Sometimes, you'll feel so numb that you think something is wrong with you.

Why the hell haven't I cried today? I've barely thought about him at all? What kind of mother am I? You will hate feeling numb, until the devastating depression comes back - then you will wish for the numbness.

You'll get mad at people because they're going about their daily lives when you are stuck in this hell, but as time goes by you will realise you are in this alone.

You have probably read articles about grief having a time limit, and it's true. People will grieve with you, for a little while, but soon they have to get back to their own lives, just because your world has stop turning doesn't mean theirs has.

You can't expect other people to get it. They'll never get it. How could they? Greif is awkward, it's scary and it's fucked up.

If this happened to someone else, think long and hard about what you would say to someone who had lost a child? I'd fucking avoid them. Not because I'm harsh or don't care, but because I wouldn't know what to say, or what to do. I wouldn’t want to make them cry or do the wrong thing. People will feel their own grief. But yours is special, your grief is yours alone, just as your child was.

There will be days where you can take on the world, you think "fuck it, look what's happened to me, If I can do this, I can do anything!" You will want to live to remember your child, you will want to show your child how brave you are and you will want to make them proud - you will see friends and family and show a glimmer of your old self.

Then there will be days where you will lock yourself in your bedroom, have panic attacks because you can't believe this has happened, relive horrible memories you wish you could erase, cry for 7 hours straight until you can't fucking breathe and contemplate how to kill yourself because it hurts too much.

The days will go on like this, I'm not sure for how long, I'm assuming forever. It's basically the roller coaster that no one wants to be on.

I feel pain every day. I feel it in every inch of my body, it's always there, whether it's in the back of my mind, tucked safely there until I’m ready to feel it again, or whether its front and centre, demanding to be felt - I just try to remind myself of how far I have come since that very first day.

There is no definitive answer to whatever question you are looking for. We all feel things differently, but ultimately, we all have the same thing in common, no matter the age or the circumstance - We want our child back, we miss them and we love them.

In the first few weeks I wanted answers. I needed to hear that it will get better and that I won't feel this hideous pain for the rest of my life.

I can't give you that.

What I can tell you is the light that you are searching for, isn't at the end of the tunnel - there is no end. The light will shine through little cracks in that tunnel, maybe for just a second, a minute or a whole day... but it will shine through.

And although that tunnel will seal its self back up again, filling those tiny cracks with sadness, fear, guilt, anger and unimaginable pain, the light will slowly make its way back through again.

My light is my son and it shines every time I think of him.